faisj
10-22-2006, 10:59 PM
http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Lowcostweapon.jpg
Some jokes I just got from a friend of mine by email.
enjoy :D
1. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
2. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
3. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
4. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
5. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
6. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
7. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
8. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
9. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f***ing hates lemonade.
10. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
11. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f***ing beef.
12. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
13. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
14. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
15. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
16. Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.
17. Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.
18. It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so dead.
19. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
20. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
21. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
22. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
23. When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
24. Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
25. When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
26. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
27. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
28. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
29. Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
30. If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
31. Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.
32. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
33. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
34. When asked the significance
35. When Jack Bauer is looking for a good laugh, he watches Chuck Norris work out on his Total Gym.
36. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f***ing do it.
37. Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
38. There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
39. Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that sissy went to the hospital first.
40. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the f*** have you done with your life?
41. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
42. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
43. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
44. Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
45. The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
46. Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
47. In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
48. If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
49. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
50. When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
51. Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
52. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
53. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
54. Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f***ing dead."
55. Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.
56. Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
57. The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.
58. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
59. Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.
60. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
61. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
62. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
63. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
64. A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.
65. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
66. When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
67. During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
68. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
69. Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
70. In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
71. What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
72. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
73. G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
74. Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
75. Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.
76. When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
77. After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
78. If J...[Message truncated]
Some jokes I just got from a friend of mine by email.
enjoy :D
1. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
2. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
3. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
4. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
5. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
6. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
7. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
8. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
9. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f***ing hates lemonade.
10. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
11. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f***ing beef.
12. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
13. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
14. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
15. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
16. Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.
17. Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.
18. It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so dead.
19. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
20. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
21. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
22. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
23. When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
24. Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
25. When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
26. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
27. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
28. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
29. Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
30. If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
31. Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.
32. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
33. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
34. When asked the significance
35. When Jack Bauer is looking for a good laugh, he watches Chuck Norris work out on his Total Gym.
36. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f***ing do it.
37. Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
38. There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
39. Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that sissy went to the hospital first.
40. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the f*** have you done with your life?
41. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
42. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
43. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
44. Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
45. The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
46. Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
47. In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
48. If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
49. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
50. When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
51. Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
52. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
53. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
54. Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f***ing dead."
55. Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.
56. Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
57. The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.
58. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
59. Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.
60. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
61. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
62. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
63. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
64. A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.
65. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
66. When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
67. During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
68. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
69. Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
70. In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
71. What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
72. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
73. G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
74. Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
75. Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.
76. When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
77. After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
78. If J...[Message truncated]